HATERS GAAN NAAR DE HONDEN …

HATERS GAAN NAAR DE HONDEN …

juli 31, 2019 0 Door admin

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Eric Reads The News is a daily humor column which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity, shade, and schadenfreude

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I’ve never been one to write puff pieces about the president’s daughter and advisor, Complicity Huffman, and her husband, the cover of a Victorian mystery novel brought to life, so it was a surprise when their new dog’s publicist reached out to me for a deskside. The dog actually belongs to one of the Kushner children, whom, of course, we never mock and will always let have their privacy. But, I was happy to chat with the new pup, Winter, who was revealed on Instagram this weekend, about its adult owners, the president, and which presidential candidate’s dog it likes the best.

Thanks so much for pupping over. Get it?

Can we just get this done?

Absolutely. So, you were adopted by Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner.

Yeah, it was very much a “freeze frame, you’re probably wondering how I got here” kind of situation. I think you can see it on my face. I’m not really trying to wade into a political scene, per se. I see myself more of an influencer dog. I was hoping to get adopted by someone in L.A., preferably with a podcast and a network first-look deal. You know, someone with enough money to buy me my favorite GOOP products but enough time on their hands to devote at least one grid photo a week to me and my hijinks. This is not that.

You were disappointed.

I didn’t say that. I did fire my whole team, though.

How’s the adjustment been?

Fine, I guess. A lot of good attention over the weekend. My Q score went up. That’s the real goal, right? We’re all here for the same objective.

Have you visited the White House?

Only once. I really can’t take it for very long. As someone who can hear dog whistles, the White House sounds like a rock concert to me. I can barely hear myself bark. The only one I can be around is Stephen Miller.

Stephen Miller? That’s surprising.

Well, he doesn’t dog whistle. He’s just saying it.

Do you like him?

God no. What can he give me? It’s weird, every time he enters a room the temperature drops 20 degrees. Reminds me of this 84-year-old mongoose I met once. Bad vibes.

Have you met the president?

We exchanged pleasantries. He liked me. I’m white with blue eyes.

Any other thoughts on him?

Note: At this point a publicist asks me to move on.

What about Ivanka?

Note: At this point a publicist asks that I keep my questions to Winter.

U.S. President Trump's State Visit To UK - Day One

Samir HusseinGetty Images

Okay. Do you feel like you’re being used as ornamentation to humanize two presidential advisors who have turned a blind eye to and/or enabled some of the president’s most inhumane actions?

You know, I’d really just like to talk about my philanthropic work. It’s really disappointing that the media insists on going negative.

Fine. What philanthropic work are you doing?

Note: At this point a publicist says that they will e-mail me a statement on Winter’s charities later in the afternoon.

Let’s talk about your contemporaries. Any thoughts on the dogs that belong to the Democratic candidates?

I’ve only met some. Interesting bunch. Elizabeth Warren’s dog Bailey is so Type-A it hurts. That dog organized a union at a kennel once. Taught itself Sanskrit. Is trained as a therapy dog even though it is not currently practicing therapy.

Beto’s dog Artemis used to text all the time and now I get left on read. Are we friends? I don’t know. You get one Vanity Fair cover and suddenly you’re Gretchen Mol.

I met Kirsten Gillibrand’s dog once at a happy hour at a dog park. Funniest dog you will ever meet. Has this completely bonkers story about the dog from A Dog’s Purpose and Kevin Costner. We hung out for hours. I had the biggest hangover the next day, I’ll tell you that. But Kirsten’s dog called to ask if I wanted to go for a run. At 6 a.m. Unhinged.

The Buttigieg dogs are so Midwestern nice and I’m very much a coastal dog, very D.C. dog. You know? Best doggie daycares, etc. I have the Gyllenhaal/Saarsgard dog’s personal e-mail. Stuff like that. We just come from different worlds. I don’t want to sound like a snob. I’m happy for them and I’m definitely not envious of their online fame. They just have big Lil Sebastian energy. I’ll just leave it at that. Can you actually not include that? All of that was off the record.

Note: At this point a publicist asks me to wrap it up.

What’s life at home like? Kushy?

Stop. The Kushners have this great neighbor, you know the one who drank wine in a fur coat outside that time? I’m trying to burrow over to her yard and see if we can collabo.

She was enjoying an anti-Trump protest; would you say that your politics don’t align with the Trump administration?

Note: At this point a publicist leans over to me and tells me that Winter is not here to talk about politics.

So your name is Winter; do you have any thoughts on climate change?

Note: At this point a publicist staples my notes to my hand.

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Any products to promote?

Now, we’re talking! Yes! I am very excited to announce a Winter the Dog makeup line specifically for animals who are less physically gifted than I am, including a fur cream foundation to even out the coloring on coats. I will also be launching a healthy line of dog treats infused with CBD. And we’ve got a lifestyle show we’re shopping around. Stay tuned! Winter is coming!

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